That Old Black Trains' a'Coming

 So a little morbid on the title for those who get the reference. I wanted to write this post before I decided not to again. So. Here it is.

No easy way to say this but these past couple months have been hard. I've gained weight, fallen behind where I wanted to be in Kung Fu and just generally been feeling down. Okay that's not all. Forgive me for jumping around the subject I am just not super good at opening up right now and this next little bit gets personal.

My grandfather passed away last month. On my husband's and I wedding anniversary. He had been declining for a while but it was sepsis, blood poisoning that got him in the end. He held on long enough to say good by to family and then he was gone. His children were with him till the end. He went peacefully. I miss him. My daughter still looks for him when she goes over to my parents. He's gone but not really. I feel echoes of him in the house. Always thinking that he was going to shuffle around the corner, give extra food to the dog, comment "she's growing like a bad weed" about Mackenzies height. 

And then this month happened

My grandmother passed away this week. on Tuesday. On my husbands birthday. She had been declining with dementia for a bit, but when my grandfather was no longer visiting her she went downhill fast. She was clear in her intention that she wanted to see her husband again. She also went in her sleep, surrounded and visited by family. 

Grandmas death hits in a way that I didn't think it would. It feels unreal, and it might be a little harder for me because she lived at the care centre I work at and this was my first day back at work since grandma passed. Everyone knew and everyone gave condolences. I know their intentions meant well but it still felt like they were giving  me condolences for something that still doesn't feel real. 

Anyway I guess I just needed to get this off my chest and let you guys know where I was all at. I feel stressed and anxious and not just about Christmas this time of year.

I know this was a heavy topic to touch on and I'm sure this will be a happy Christmas even with the passing of two amazing and wonderful people. Thanks for reading and I hope that everyone has a wonderful rest of the week.

I am Brave

 So I have been slacking on a couple things lately and its just tough to get going again. It was board breaking on Monday and it was exhilarating. To feel my hard work from forms and repetition bear fruit in the way of something fracturing, cracking, breaking, yielding to my techniques gives a feeling of satisfaction that makes it all worth it. This was just kinda a PSA about how amazing board breaking it and that everyone should do it.

But on the subject of being brave. It takes a lot of courage to beat the mundane. I know for us in the I Ho Chuan it is told to us that we can rise above being mundane and ordinary and achieve mastery. It is no simple thing. Just today I struggled to go above ordinary because it was just that kinda day. There are things in my life that I need to change, starting with my commitment and dedication to the things I know are important. I know it is brave of me, and you do not know the fight within to put brave in this sentence with out quotations, it is brave of me to keep going. It feels like nothing at the moment. even this moment  at which I am writing this I do not feel very brave or content with how I am going at the moment. 

That was a bit of a ramble, but what I think I am trying to get across is that I am going to through this and i am going to be proud of how brave I was to not give up. It sure ain't an easy road but it is worth it. 

Anyway, have a great night and a wonderful Halloween!

I am the Captain of my Soul

 And the waves of life are drowning my ship. Hey everyone, its been a while and not for lack of ideas. Sifu Brinker has been telling us to fix out Kung Fu before we fix our life as things will just follow after. And lookie here . . . its happening. I fell out of touch again as it was getting overwhelming to do everything at once and uhhh I just fell into a rut. Wake up. Baby. Work. Baby. Sick for 2 weeks. Baby. Work. Thinking about how I have all the time in the world and none of the energy or effort. Baby. Work. Maybe sleep if the benevolent over Lady sees fit. 

What I'm trying to get across here is, that I have been thinking about doing things and not actually doing things. And I feel like this is the main struggle for me. Even if I get on the wagon again I am gonna hit a pothole and tumble out and hit the road again. And BOOM stuck in the rut again. 

Things have changed around the household for the better though. Mac is up and running around, going a thousand miles per hour no brakes. Her babbling and stories have increased but alas, it is still nonsense to I. Maybe one day I'll learn baby. Maybe they have it on Duolingo. 

What else.... hmm maybe next time I'll have more to write.

Have an awesome weekend everyone! 

Connection

So I have started my first week back at work and that means it's sit in front of computer screen and "re- learn" what I should be doing as a health care professional.  It's basically just runs down how to use the system and how to do lifts and such. It's tough for me because the only time I sit down for longer than an hour is to go to sleep. Must.... stay... awake......

But! I realize how lucky I am to be in Kung Fu and my job. We were going over body mechanics the other day and it struck me how similar they are. How one moves the body to prevent injury is how one should be mindful of the body in Kung Fu. 

It is always nice to be reminded that my Kung fu is not limited to the kwoon. Or even to my training!

Have a wonderful week everyone! 

Here Comes the Tiger ( albeit a little late)

 Hello one and all! Its been crazy busy this summer! Its almost the end of July and it feels like summer just started last week. As the title implies I'm going to be talking about the tiger challenge. So on my part I know that I could have done more to prepare, but I am glad that I participated none the less. I have this bad habit of going "if I'm not fully prepared then there is no reason to go at all". Which is pretty bad considering that even if Im not fully prepared I should do my best anyway. Initially when the date had changed I had thought that I would not be able to go as my daughters first birthday was also happening that day. Thank goodness that I had Lucy to encourage me and my friends and family step up to the plate in regards to setting up the venue! It was a smashing success btw. Many happy returns and a very happy baby! 

Forgive me of my rambling thoughts it has been a quick couple of weeks. my thoughts on my first tiger challenge ever is that it was not only a place to show off the skills that have been accumulated throughout ones Kung Fu journey, but a place to learn and see how everyone else is doing! It was amazing to watch the team forms and the creative and musical forms (even if the forbidden song played!) because it showed just how much love goes into their Kung Fu. I feel like I can see the dedication in class, but when given the opportunity to expand and show what they love. 

I am excited for next year! It was 100% worth it! 

Triple D (Dragon Dance Demonstration)

Yesterday was such a wow moment for me in Kung Fu. I mean I had done a demo before in Stony but nothing like that running the dragon, doing the forms and then listening to the crowd cheer at the lion and at the very end it was exhilarating!! I am super excited for the up coming tiger challenge as well! More to show and do!

When I first join the I Ho Chuan it was the beginning of 2020 and I was super nervous to do demos. I don't mind being on the stage but it is the waiting to get on the stage that eats me up. When covid took over I remember being relieved that we would have to postpone the demos because it seemed like a really big task to do. I feel now though that I missed out on a lot. The rush of excitement doing the dragon, the feeling of pride doing the whole demo and being  part of the school  as a whole, it's really changed me. And for the better!

I'm excited to do the Tiger Challenge and I am excited to see you all there! Have  a great week everyone! 

With Great Power, Comes Great ...

I am responsible. It may not seem like it at times even to me but I know that I have a quite a few responsibilities. It may not be swinging through a city and stopping crime, but it is important work none the less. Responsible for the household, responsible to my family and friends and responsible to myself. I know that I have struggled with these, and I know that I will continue to struggle with these. Funny thing is though is that it is never alone. I have my husband to share the load with the house, I have friends and family reaching out to me constantly and visa versa. I truly am lucky to live in such a place with so much support and kindness! 

And now onto my Kung Fu Journey. I have recently been practicing mindfulness. To be honest, I thought it was going to take up my day a little bit more. It's not though. It is freeing in a way I did not expect. To think things through and refocus myself on the task at hand has really been great! I feel like that I was drifting and then I take that moment to go "Why am I here? What am I doing?"  Sometimes it like yeah im making lunch and continue doing so. Other times its like Huh, I've been staring at the wall for 5 min maybe I should go fold laundry or play with mac some more. 

I will continue to doing as I have this past week and we shall see how it goes! Have a great weekend and a wonderful Fathers day to those who celebrate!   

Back on the bike

So it's 3 am on this beautiful Thursday morning and the boss has decided its extended cuddle time after being awake for 2 hours. I myself think it's sleepy time but my  constructive criticism has been disregarded. 

I find myself in a loop atm  A destructive one. I've been here before and I'll be here again. But I know it can get better. And the impact of the low will lessen each time as I gain an understanding of why I get this way.

I just needed to write something. Have a good rest of your day everyone

Sick of it

So this past week my family and I were suck with the stomach flu that has been passing itself around. Not covid thankfully but still scary because this was the first serious illness that Mac has gotten. I was calling 811 daily and I took her to the hospital. Nothing was too serious but the doctor was friendly and was reassuring that it was okay to bring her in. I know that I'm lucky that is was only a stomach bug but man it was scary. I was sick as well and not being able to keep up with baby and then having to go somewhere while sick really took a lot out of me. And it's time like this when I think, or I should more accurately say think after the fact, that I do a lot. And it never seems that way at the time until I cannot do it. I wasn't able to walk my baby without getting super nauseated.  I wasn't able to keep anything down and thus the cooking ceased and crackers and toast were made. Even my Kung fu which I have been slacking on I was missing. I wasn't able to make it on Wednesday last class due to the flu. But I digress.

I really like doing the things I do daily and I want to continue to be able to do them. It was such a relief yesterday when I no longer felt like I was going to yarf up my breakfast and then finally last night the exhaustion went away. I went to class last evening online, I really don't want anyone else catching this bug! 

I guess what I was trying to get across is even if I'm hard on myself most days for not doing things I used to, I gotta remember that I am still making a difference  and doing the best I can. 

Have a goodnight everyone!

Listening

I listen to many things during the day. Music, my husband, the dishwasher and Mackenzie with her happy babbling and incessant demands. I listen to friends family and the occasional stranger who needs and ear and a good chat. I listen to the breeze and the running water as the snow melts and it gets warmer. It is a very rare occasion though, that I will listen to myself. 

The first example would be when it comes to my limitations in what I am able to do in a day. Logically I tell myself that I need to get certain things done in a day. I know that I am taking care of a baby and I am getting better at adjusting my day around her and getting chores and hobbies done. But there are still days when I get overwhelmed because I feel like I have too much on my plate and I still feel like I should be adding on. Because that is what I used to do. It is what I would like to do again.

Another example is when it comes to my Kung Fu mentality specifically blogging. I talk myself up and i run concepts that I would like to blog about but by the time I feel like I have time to write, the motivation is gone and I feel like the concepts I came up with are not worth the blog. I know thats not true but I also listen to that little insidious voice sometimes as well. 

Anyway I'll wrap this up by saying that I need to listen better to the positive rather than the negative!  

Wasting TIme

 Okay. Time to put my money where my mouth is. Or my time where my goals are. Its been several days (weeks) since my last blog so lets see where this takes us. Things have gotten quieter around the house now that baby is in bed earlier. This gives me time to do the things that i didnt get to do during the day. Write a blog. Practice a form. Work on some of my art. Stare at a wall in complete silence and not have to do anything. Read a book. Yah know the things people do when they have time. 

But thinking about time is always going to be a downfall for me. I think back to the last meeting we had and how Mrs. Bjorkquist said that you have to take the opportunities. This week I am going to try and figure out my Kung Fu around that. We get so many opportunities during a day but i think what we use them for is important. Dishes, cleaning the floor, taking time to be mindful and just knowing that I am trying to be the best I can be are some of the things I use my moments for at the moment. Now its time to fit a little more Kung Fu in that schedule. 

Antici........ pation

It has been 7 long months and I am participating. Last year was as you all know, a year with a lot of changes. There was the waiting, the anticipating and then more waiting. I have this thing when I have a plan to do something there  is a period of the day that I have to put aside just anticipate. Just think about the thing I have to do and then wait for the thing to happen. It got me in a slump in a couple of times because I would wait for it to happen and then I'd miss it.

These past 7 months have been way different and way challenging. Because when the baby is here there is no waiting. Its now or face the sirens song. ( and I don't mean the mermaid siren) As a new time mom I thought  would know the things that I could anticipate, the things I could wait for. Nah it just doesn't work like that. 

It was a tough change for me who had the feeling of waiting always on my mind. And now I find I don't want to wait for things. House needs to be cleaned more often and meals need to be cooked instead of the instant noodles. There are things I want to improve in my life so that the lives of my family can improve. Its a very good feeling. 

This year I am doing stick and 18 temple Motions for my forms. I want to get back to working on things I know that I can improve and adapt to. 

It is wonderful to be back in I Ho Chuan and I am excited for what this year will bring!

GO TIGERS!!